How to: annoy people that hate you

This is one important question. Someone was searching for an answer on Google when their query unfortunately lead them to one of my totally unrelated-to-the-subject posts. Given that I am an awesome and helpful person ( :P ), I decided to write a post to that poor stranger who is probably having a difficult time dealing with the haters and wants vengeance. Dearest visitor: this post is for YOU. :D

How to annoy people that hate you

See I’ll tell you a few things you can do to piss people off that will surely work like a charm.. (or not in their case!)

If those people are relatives, frenemies or possibly your sibling’s annoying friend coming to visit; do any or all of the following:

  • Prepare them a strawberry milkshake with a dash of ketchup.
  • Spit in a glass of water, fill an ice tray with that water and use it to make that milkshake.
  • Tell them that you spit in a glass of water, filled an ice try with that water and that they’re drinking your crushed ice spit :D

mmmmmm.. crushed saliva ketchup shake!

  • Take compromising photos of them. You can always set up a camera in the bathroom and make use of the footage later. You can also stalk them and secretly snap a pic of them hogging a hot dog and Photoshop it for your convenience.. (remember, you have to prepare that dinner to make sure you get that pic!)
  • BONUS: put a whole lot of chili sauce on that wiener! and don’t forget to spit! Needless to say, rub it in their face by letting them know what you did! Or just watch and enjoy while they suffer.

We know you hate us, Obama! TAKE THAT!

  •  Piss in their lemonade.. always works.
  • Borrow their cellphones and place long distance calls or even better: several prank calls (they’ll get arrested if you’re luck enough!).

Their bill should look a little something like that when you’re done..!

  • If you have a pet, make sure to gather some of their poo in a plastic bag, manage to slip it in their bag with the plastic bag open (works for the ladies only)
  • As for the gents, make sure you put that turn on their favorite seat or just lure them into that spot! (WARNING: you might have to clean the mess afterwards!) (works even better with the ladies!)

As for those nasty colleagues or school mates; use all the above tricks as well as tampering with their food, lockers, desks, or anything they use on a daily basis.

This should work..

And everyone will live happily ever after..

Or not..

Let’s drop the bullshit and talk real shit here.

How long will you want to annoy your haters? How much are you willing to push yourself to pull sleazy 6th grade tricks on people you who give you a hard time or just don’t necessarily like you that much?

First of all, let’s define hate. According to Merriam-Webster hate is:

  • Intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
  • Extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing <had a great hate of hard work>

So now we know those facts: they’re hostile, they dislike you and you probably deserve it.

B*tches gonna hate!

Being a female, I understand how jealousy can be a #1 reason why you have female haters. I get it, really. You walk into a place full of females and they give you “the look”.

You say hi to your colleague whom you’ve just come across and his woman is ready to punch you in the face!

Or you bump into someone wearing the same outfit!

With us girls, the reasons are infinite and can range between similar fashion choices or having a man to plain and simple jealousy over nothing, really. You just have to deal with it. With some females, you’re always on the “HATE” list until further notice.

Sup, brah!?

With men, I don’t think I’ve ever faced any issues. Weird but noteworthy. However, you can have a couple of haters when you publicly shame a guy for doing something wrong. Another thing you need to realize is that guys who bully girls can actually be hiding a secret crush. Most of us have been programmed to believe such a painful yet somewhat true fact. Needless to say, it shouldn’t be acceptable, don’t teach it to your kids, don’t justify bullying by saying that and never fall for a douchebag who bullies you into any relationship. EVER. Just put that in mind.

So how do you really deal with “haters” aside from all the 6th grade nonsense I wrote above?

First, you have got to understand that the way you conduct yourself around some people might trigger negative feedback. I, for one know that. I am usually told that I have one of the most intimidating body signals on earth. I realize that I usually give death glares without even noticing because of the fact that I am always ready to attack when needed. It’s a defense mechanism, maybe. But not an intentional one. I walk in steady steps and with my piercings, I do get it when people are actually intimidated. Anyone would automatically assume I am trouble. But the fact is, it only takes a grin or a kind gesture to ease things up and those who would have probably acted according to how they felt towards me will become nice and mellow.

As for females with their men, always avoid looking. I know this is ridiculous to say but why the hell are you looking at a couple to begin with?! Unless you think they’re cute and you convey that message, don’t even think about it. Females don’t appreciate competition and you -lady- know it! Actually no one likes competition so whether you’re a male or a female: DO NOT STARE AT A COUPLE. Period.

I always make sure that whenever I meet someone’s girl, I give her some attention first and more attention during the conversation. I know men are generally more respectful towards their buddies’ females but I am definite that most girl do not share the same mentality. I never had issues with any of my friends’ ladies and that is due to the fact that they felt safe. Put yourself in her shoes. When you first meet your man’s girl friend, you might have some suspicions especially if they are close friends. You wonder “did they have anything between them? why are they friends? what do they do when they meet?” and such thoughts. It is understandable. You might even feel a bit jealous that your man is sharing his time with another females. For me to just ignore the nature of some females and just assume that she will understand the nature of our relationship is just another reason for her to get worried and possibly unlike me and cause me to lose a friendship. By giving her attention, I am making a new friend and sparing her the agony of doubts and suspicions. I am also doing him a favor. However, you must also know that when you are introduced to the lady, you have to deal with them both as one entity unless she or he decides otherwise and they are both comfortable with that.

With colleagues and school mates, I know it would be more challenging to just “suck it up” and be extra nice to everyone. But being pleasant in general is one key to turning those haters into friends.. or just good acquaintances. I don’t mind opening a couple of doors or lending a couple of pens. Smiling and greeting at times. Nothing more than common courtesy and being plain pleasant. I’ve had some of the most grouchy people smile back by just being nice and I’ve known people who just wondered why the hell are those people nice to me but not anyone else. You force them into being nice by being nice.

Unfortunately, that rule does not apply to all people. Sometimes, I wanted to punch those fuckers for being totally rude but I just refrained from being nice and surprisingly enough, they stopped their unpleasant behavior. Do not suck up to people. Being pleasant is not sucking up to people. Don’t go full Truman.

Just initiate the goodness and see their reaction. If they couldn’t bother less, don’t bother again. If however they decide to give you shit, put them in place with no fighting and no biting. You can always smile and say: “Dude, what’s up with you? I’m not here to piss you off so take a chill pill” with a big smile and walk away. Just walk away.

As for the real haters.. those you KNOW hate you for a  valid (or not) reason; someone who holds such strong negative feelings towards you, you need to stop and think “What the fuck did I do to piss that dude/dudette off”?

That is the question you should really be asking. :)

Stop looking for more reasons to annoy someone when you’ve actually brought it upon yourself. You either work on fixing that if you really care for that person’s presence in your life or you just avoid them as much as possible. You want to consume yourself and time with hate? Go ahead. But know that you are probably the reason why that person hates you and they might have not been such a hater if you were more careful to begin with.

A simple misunderstanding might be a reason why someone hates you. One time, I came across a post about a famous celebrity dressed up ridiculously and made a tasteless comment thinking it was funny. To my surprise, a girl replied telling me that my comment was ridiculous and that I should be more careful. She was someone I knew and I didn’t understand why she just snapped at me until I realized that my comment was comparing her medical condition to that celebrity’s ridiculous fashion statement. Whether this girl pointed that out or not, I was plain rude when I used that analogy and there was no excuse. I did apologize to her but she wouldn’t accept my apology and it was her right. One lesson for me and I am thankful for that day. Nothing related to race, gender, sexual orientation, religious views or even disease is to be “joked” about.

Apologies are always a life saver. Put your pride aside and admit your mistake and wait. If they choose to accept it, be thankful and avoid being “best buddies” because they would still be skeptical and you will look like a major suck up. If they choose not to accept your apology, walk away without even trying to explain yourself further. Just apologize sincerely and let it be.

If you want to annoy your haters, start by being the least of their concerns and by avoiding to piss anyone off.

But if you really want to kill the haters, do all of that without even bothering yourself with those haters. You only create what you imagine. :)

For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.
Sun Tzu

DISCLAIMER: Please don’t do any of the pranks above because it is not cool and someone might punch you in the face.

6 thoughts on “How to: annoy people that hate you

  1. I’m never sure where you are going with this blog. Egyptian crises; cute puppies; then this. Then you cover the page with squiggles (LOL). I guess that’s some sort of Arabic script. What do you think of Hissa Hilal? And now it looks like Egypt will be ruled by Army pharaohs!
    I really like this blog – mainly because it goes mad. Keep it up.

    • hahahahah that’s why I clearly specified that it’s a mental dump yard.. you should open up my head and see the amount of crap in there.. even worse! LOL
      Hissa Hilal? I had to google her and I will read more about her.. I like her, so far :D
      Egypt is going crazy.. most of the people don’t want the MB and I personally don’t yet I don’t want SCAF to take over and Morsi is not making things easier not that they’re calling for blood. 42 pro-Morsi supporters killed today trying to demonstrate in front of a military facility and the situation is going out of control. I don’t want them both! They can both go to hell with their shit.
      And thank you, Philip for taking the time to read my blog :)

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