It’s that dreaded day..



How to: steal a phone and get away with it


I know I shouldn’t be encouraging anyone here but seriously, if you’re going to be stupid, be smart about it!

  1. Don’t steal. PERIOD. Phones are so cheap these days, even kids are carrying one. (At least around here!)
  2. If you can’t afford the fancy ones and have made up your mind already, be sure to steal it from someone who might be OK with it (AKA: NO ONE). Even those who carry multiple phones might probably be doing it out of necessity. A friend of mine lost 2 phones on his engagement day (!!!) and what pissed him off the most was not the loss of the phones, but the data on each. So please don’t be an asshole and assume that as long as someone has more than one phone that any of those phones is dispensable. You can always get a used one if you REALLY want one.
  3. If you’re still planning on stealing one not giving a damn about the fact that important info on the phone might cause someone their job to fulfill your silly, materialistic needs; be sure not to steal a female’s phone. Because asshole: this could be your sister or your mother. Imagine someone stealing your female relative’s phone with personal images on it. If you have an ounce of manhood left in you, you wouldn’t want those images out for some stranger to use or even look at. They don’t have to be inappropriate, just personal. Have some decency and leave their shit.
  4. If you’re still going to be a bigger douche and steal a lady’s phone, reset it. Or at least enjoy being a douchebag alone. You don’t have to show the whole world what a huge waste of chromosome Y you are. Because believe it or not: you will never get away with it. Either the cops will get you or karma will. And in the latter case: do not consider reproducing or even marrying. They will be the victims 😉
  5. Not enough? OK. Go ahead. But be sure to at least be tech savvy because nowadays; those fancy phones you can’t afford will expose your sorry ass. And given the fact that you’re dying to have one, you’ve probably never had one to begin with which most likely makes you less aware of the fact that EVERYTHING you do on that phone CAN be available to not only the owner, but possibly the whole population of the world wide web! And that, my friend.. can NEVER be erased.

dr. evil

Our friend Hafid from Dubai might have learned this lesson the best way.. be sure to check out Hafid’s awesomely detailed story here. And let that be a lesson to you..


Which reminds me.. I need to install an anti theft application!

Related mishaps (only if you were the thief):

Stolen iPad Pictures: Man Posts Photos of iPad Thief Taken With Stolen Device

How I Recovered My Stolen iPad

Vain thief caught after taking picture of himself on cell phone and accidentally emailing it to his victim

‘Pic’-a-boo: Stolen phone snaps ‘thief’