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How to: quit your job like a boss!

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How to: steal a phone and get away with it

1876-cheese-thief

I know I shouldn’t be encouraging anyone here but seriously, if you’re going to be stupid, be smart about it!

  1. Don’t steal. PERIOD. Phones are so cheap these days, even kids are carrying one. (At least around here!)
  2. If you can’t afford the fancy ones and have made up your mind already, be sure to steal it from someone who might be OK with it (AKA: NO ONE). Even those who carry multiple phones might probably be doing it out of necessity. A friend of mine lost 2 phones on his engagement day (!!!) and what pissed him off the most was not the loss of the phones, but the data on each. So please don’t be an asshole and assume that as long as someone has more than one phone that any of those phones is dispensable. You can always get a used one if you REALLY want one.
  3. If you’re still planning on stealing one not giving a damn about the fact that important info on the phone might cause someone their job to fulfill your silly, materialistic needs; be sure not to steal a female’s phone. Because asshole: this could be your sister or your mother. Imagine someone stealing your female relative’s phone with personal images on it. If you have an ounce of manhood left in you, you wouldn’t want those images out for some stranger to use or even look at. They don’t have to be inappropriate, just personal. Have some decency and leave their shit.
  4. If you’re still going to be a bigger douche and steal a lady’s phone, reset it. Or at least enjoy being a douchebag alone. You don’t have to show the whole world what a huge waste of chromosome Y you are. Because believe it or not: you will never get away with it. Either the cops will get you or karma will. And in the latter case: do not consider reproducing or even marrying. They will be the victims 😉
  5. Not enough? OK. Go ahead. But be sure to at least be tech savvy because nowadays; those fancy phones you can’t afford will expose your sorry ass. And given the fact that you’re dying to have one, you’ve probably never had one to begin with which most likely makes you less aware of the fact that EVERYTHING you do on that phone CAN be available to not only the owner, but possibly the whole population of the world wide web! And that, my friend.. can NEVER be erased.

dr. evil

Our friend Hafid from Dubai might have learned this lesson the best way.. be sure to check out Hafid’s awesomely detailed story here. And let that be a lesson to you..

1264091579_kirk_rofl

Which reminds me.. I need to install an anti theft application!

Related mishaps (only if you were the thief):

Stolen iPad Pictures: Man Posts Photos of iPad Thief Taken With Stolen Device

How I Recovered My Stolen iPad

Vain thief caught after taking picture of himself on cell phone and accidentally emailing it to his victim

‘Pic’-a-boo: Stolen phone snaps ‘thief’

1

How to: annoy people you hate

cats-hate-you-and-everyone-else

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on how to annoy people that hate you. I still get traffic from people asking for a quick fix to their hater problems but sometimes I get this question instead: How to annoy people you hate.

Oh boy! Let’s do this! 😀

mwahahahahaaa!

How to annoy people you hate:

Growing up as a tom boy, I had a lot of issues with people around. I grew up in a family club surrounded by all sorts of kids from all sorts of backgrounds. You would imagine that going through high school is the toughest thing a teenager can go through but believe me: nothing beats a family club where even the parents of those teens pitch in to give you a lesson while they clearly need help for having ill behaved kids. I used to have a couple of good friends who preferred to be on the quiet side of “the party” just like myself and kept things low profile. I used to wear the weirdest shit and have the weirdest haircuts. Either listening to my walkman/discman (RIP/RIP) or trying to drop a ball through the hoops of our basketball court. I never thought I fit in with those “Didi” dancing girls in their skimpy outfits. I’d stand there and watch the 5 chicks dance to that shit with their moms standing there all proud of their little girls representing the darkest tragedy of humanity: teenagers and hormones. And while they used to relate to booty shakin’, I used to relate to the likes of Alanis Morissette, BjorkMissy ElliotShaquille O’Neal, 2Pac and many more. I used to dress like that as well (forgive me, God!). I wrote all about that shit in my previous post if you’d care to read some extra nonsense.

Well, I did hate a lot of people. And it was not out of jealousy.. well maybe a little bit.. but, for most of them, I used to be bullied by a lot for being different. Dressing up like a boy when most girls were doing their fancy dancing and competing to become the next Alpha Female in a small community had its price. The girls were usually in groups picking their boyfriends and marking their territories while the boys just played basketball and hung around the court with some of those cool chicks. I was always with the boys trying to compete. Who would score more hoops and get the Chicago Bulls jersey first. I used to hate it when the jerseys looked better on the guys because they had less curves 😦 but it was all good when we sat there and had our rap battles. Some guys never appreciated the fact that a female can sometimes do male stuff and they also used to give me a hard time.

I managed to find a few good female friends who were not that judgmental and they made things a lot easier. They all went to mixed schools and that’s why they were probably less susceptible to the common bullshit those other kids believed. They were loud, crazy and outspoken. They had their own character and no one could bully them and get away with it. They taught me how to have a backbone and stand up for myself.

I used to pick a lot of fights with those I hated. I would pass by giving them dirty looks and sometimes instigate fights just to give them a piece of my mind. But most of the time, I avoided being around them because that would only remind me of all the bullying. Not to mention, cause more bullying. I also learned to stand up for others and I became known for being the female vigilante of the bullied kids. I would be sitting there singing alone in a corner and a kid runs up to me telling me that this asshole picked on them and they want me to kick their ass. No problem!

Yo. Say that again?!

Yo. Say that again?!

The longer I stayed away, the better I felt about myself. See, when you allow hate to consume you, it effects you in a way. You start hating yourself for being different. Then for not being able to make these people understand who you really are. You become aggressive and defensive. You become paranoid and expect everyone to pick on you. You stop enjoying who you are while allowing others to pick on you. You don’t want to change yourself yet you hate yourself. So when you hate someone, you don’t hate them for what they are, you hate them for what you think they think you are. You’re consuming yourself with their thoughts and opinions about you rather than enjoying yourself and celebrating your independence from the norms of society and what it dictates. I failed to hold on and I started dressing up like a “female”. Managed to put on some eyeliner and tone it down with the boy stuff. The minute I decided to follow the herd, I got accepted. Some of those people I hated so much managed to accept me as well. It felt weird, to be honest. That same guy that gave you shit is now calling you “pretty” and saying hi to you. Was it really that important for people to see me as what society thought was normal to be accepted and welcome among them?

I stopped doing the things I wanted and started doing the things THEY wanted. And I am going to tell you that at times it was worth it but most of the time, totally not.

Before the transformation, the more I enjoyed what I did, the less those people meant to me. I would even walk by and hear their nasty comments and continue without giving them any attention. After the transformation, I automatically craved their acceptance and felt bad the minute they stopped showing me that I fit in. Hate consumed me and changed me into being someone that I was not. I used to enjoy doing all sorts of things but I stopped. I used to sing and play basketball, try rollerskating and fail miserably and publicly as well, I used to not give a fuck about anything or anyone and I was happy until hate took over.

I regret letting hate take over because it made me compromise a lot for people who meant nothing to me. People that I was better off ignoring than trying to please. Hate lets you become what you actually hate. You want to annoy people you hate? Start by loving yourself and accepting that no one is the same, no one will ever be like anyone else and those you hate for any kind of reason might be having a worse day than you. And most importantly: you will never please everyone.

People who bully others wouldn’t need to do that unless they have deep issues. If you find yourself giving someone a hard time, think about why you are doing so. Hating a bully is only natural but craving their acceptance is not. Letting your hate turn you into a bully is not. Letting your hate change you into something else to stop the bullying is not. You want to annoy people you hate? Go up to them and tell them off.

After realizing what I’ve become and how unhappy I was, I did that. I couldn’t manage to go back to my old self but I managed to stay a “boy” at heart. I love the fact that I’m a female and love all sorts of sparkly and colorful shit but I also love the fact that I don’t necessarily have to fit in the normal definition of a female to be welcome by our lovely society. The problem is society taught us that a female shouldn’t be outspoken and shouldn’t attempt to be near anything that ruins her image as a female. Dressing up like a boy deems you less feminine. Hanging out with boys deems you a slut or at least craving their attention if not less feminine. Swearing deems you inappropriate and vulgar while boys can swear at any given time for any given reason! Why? I choose to express myself that way. As long as I am not abusing that right and insulting someone personally, I don’t think you have the right to judge me for using foul language. I don’t think you have the right to judge any female for doing anything a male can do anytime and get away with. I am a man who looks like a woman. I do whatever I want as long as I believe that it is not shameful or harmful and I don’t give a fuck.

How to annoy people you hate? Start by understanding why you hate them and you will be surprised to know that hate is just an imaginary feeling that covers tons of personal issues. Love yourself the most and you will not find a reason to hate to begin with. And if you have legitimate reasons to hate someone, tell them why you hate them and get it over with. You don’t need to fix things, just let it out of your system and move on. That would at least make you feel better and give them a thing to think about while you do that. If you’ve been bullied by someone, just go up to them and say: “I don’t know why you’re doing this but if you have a valid reason for being an asshole, let me know so that we can work on it and stop this shit forever.” they will probably not take you seriously but you will walk away the bigger person since you chose to confront them and give them a piece of your mind. And forget about them while you’re at it. Once you say that shit, forget they ever existed.

I used to have a bully who turned out to be one of my closest friends. I loved how she didn’t give a fuck about anyone but she would sometimes be so mean to me. One day, I went on a trip and got everyone a gift. She refused to take my gift and left me painfully wondering what I did to deserve this harsh treatment. I went up to her and told her that I didn’t understand why she had to be an asshole to me when I was just being nice and offering her a souvenir from my latest trip. She ended up apologizing and told me that she’s sorry for being an asshole and that she really appreciated it and she even began treating me much better. I knew she had issues with people and that she doesn’t trust anyone which causes her to be a bully sometimes. I understood that even before getting her that gift and I managed to deal with her with caution during our first couple of years. I hated her at times but respected her most of the time. And telling her off changed everything. She’s not into bullying now but she’s still very direct and sometimes harsh with people. And she’s one of the few people who managed to be by my side during the worst times.

How to annoy people you hate? Start by loving yourself and being true to yourself. That is more than enough to annoy anyone you hate since you won’t give them any reasons to make you hate them even more. People you hate are people you couldn’t please at the first place. They made you hate them for some kind of reason and it’s mostly because you’re not like them or at least not what they consider “OK”. On any scale. Work on pleasing them less and hating them less but most importantly, work on loving yourself more and that is more than enough to annoy anyone who doesn’t approve of your ways. I’m not claiming that I’m perfect and that occasionally I don’t hate people for any sort of reason. I still sometimes find myself hating someone just a little bit. But I do my best to turn that hate into loving myself even more. And I avoid annoying them for those same reasons. Hating someone won’t help you. If they’ve managed to inflict physical or emotional harm on you, you have a point. But instead of hating them, love yourself for being strong enough to go through the pain without turning into one of them. You’re strong enough to do that and consider them less fortunate for having to hurt someone to be pleased with themselves. Stop the hate. 🙂

6

How to: annoy people that hate you

This is one important question. Someone was searching for an answer on Google when their query unfortunately lead them to one of my totally unrelated-to-the-subject posts. Given that I am an awesome and helpful person ( 😛 ), I decided to write a post to that poor stranger who is probably having a difficult time dealing with the haters and wants vengeance. Dearest visitor: this post is for YOU. 😀

How to annoy people that hate you

See I’ll tell you a few things you can do to piss people off that will surely work like a charm.. (or not in their case!)

If those people are relatives, frenemies or possibly your sibling’s annoying friend coming to visit; do any or all of the following:

  • Prepare them a strawberry milkshake with a dash of ketchup.
  • Spit in a glass of water, fill an ice tray with that water and use it to make that milkshake.
  • Tell them that you spit in a glass of water, filled an ice try with that water and that they’re drinking your crushed ice spit 😀

mmmmmm.. crushed saliva ketchup shake!

  • Take compromising photos of them. You can always set up a camera in the bathroom and make use of the footage later. You can also stalk them and secretly snap a pic of them hogging a hot dog and Photoshop it for your convenience.. (remember, you have to prepare that dinner to make sure you get that pic!)
  • BONUS: put a whole lot of chili sauce on that wiener! and don’t forget to spit! Needless to say, rub it in their face by letting them know what you did! Or just watch and enjoy while they suffer.

We know you hate us, Obama! TAKE THAT!

  •  Piss in their lemonade.. always works.
  • Borrow their cellphones and place long distance calls or even better: several prank calls (they’ll get arrested if you’re luck enough!).

Their bill should look a little something like that when you’re done..!

  • If you have a pet, make sure to gather some of their poo in a plastic bag, manage to slip it in their bag with the plastic bag open (works for the ladies only)
  • As for the gents, make sure you put that turn on their favorite seat or just lure them into that spot! (WARNING: you might have to clean the mess afterwards!) (works even better with the ladies!)

As for those nasty colleagues or school mates; use all the above tricks as well as tampering with their food, lockers, desks, or anything they use on a daily basis.

This should work..

And everyone will live happily ever after..

Or not..

Let’s drop the bullshit and talk real shit here.

How long will you want to annoy your haters? How much are you willing to push yourself to pull sleazy 6th grade tricks on people you who give you a hard time or just don’t necessarily like you that much?

First of all, let’s define hate. According to Merriam-Webster hate is:

  • Intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
  • Extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing <had a great hate of hard work>

So now we know those facts: they’re hostile, they dislike you and you probably deserve it.

B*tches gonna hate!

Being a female, I understand how jealousy can be a #1 reason why you have female haters. I get it, really. You walk into a place full of females and they give you “the look”.

You say hi to your colleague whom you’ve just come across and his woman is ready to punch you in the face!

Or you bump into someone wearing the same outfit!

With us girls, the reasons are infinite and can range between similar fashion choices or having a man to plain and simple jealousy over nothing, really. You just have to deal with it. With some females, you’re always on the “HATE” list until further notice.

Sup, brah!?

With men, I don’t think I’ve ever faced any issues. Weird but noteworthy. However, you can have a couple of haters when you publicly shame a guy for doing something wrong. Another thing you need to realize is that guys who bully girls can actually be hiding a secret crush. Most of us have been programmed to believe such a painful yet somewhat true fact. Needless to say, it shouldn’t be acceptable, don’t teach it to your kids, don’t justify bullying by saying that and never fall for a douchebag who bullies you into any relationship. EVER. Just put that in mind.

So how do you really deal with “haters” aside from all the 6th grade nonsense I wrote above?

First, you have got to understand that the way you conduct yourself around some people might trigger negative feedback. I, for one know that. I am usually told that I have one of the most intimidating body signals on earth. I realize that I usually give death glares without even noticing because of the fact that I am always ready to attack when needed. It’s a defense mechanism, maybe. But not an intentional one. I walk in steady steps and with my piercings, I do get it when people are actually intimidated. Anyone would automatically assume I am trouble. But the fact is, it only takes a grin or a kind gesture to ease things up and those who would have probably acted according to how they felt towards me will become nice and mellow.

As for females with their men, always avoid looking. I know this is ridiculous to say but why the hell are you looking at a couple to begin with?! Unless you think they’re cute and you convey that message, don’t even think about it. Females don’t appreciate competition and you -lady- know it! Actually no one likes competition so whether you’re a male or a female: DO NOT STARE AT A COUPLE. Period.

I always make sure that whenever I meet someone’s girl, I give her some attention first and more attention during the conversation. I know men are generally more respectful towards their buddies’ females but I am definite that most girl do not share the same mentality. I never had issues with any of my friends’ ladies and that is due to the fact that they felt safe. Put yourself in her shoes. When you first meet your man’s girl friend, you might have some suspicions especially if they are close friends. You wonder “did they have anything between them? why are they friends? what do they do when they meet?” and such thoughts. It is understandable. You might even feel a bit jealous that your man is sharing his time with another females. For me to just ignore the nature of some females and just assume that she will understand the nature of our relationship is just another reason for her to get worried and possibly unlike me and cause me to lose a friendship. By giving her attention, I am making a new friend and sparing her the agony of doubts and suspicions. I am also doing him a favor. However, you must also know that when you are introduced to the lady, you have to deal with them both as one entity unless she or he decides otherwise and they are both comfortable with that.

With colleagues and school mates, I know it would be more challenging to just “suck it up” and be extra nice to everyone. But being pleasant in general is one key to turning those haters into friends.. or just good acquaintances. I don’t mind opening a couple of doors or lending a couple of pens. Smiling and greeting at times. Nothing more than common courtesy and being plain pleasant. I’ve had some of the most grouchy people smile back by just being nice and I’ve known people who just wondered why the hell are those people nice to me but not anyone else. You force them into being nice by being nice.

Unfortunately, that rule does not apply to all people. Sometimes, I wanted to punch those fuckers for being totally rude but I just refrained from being nice and surprisingly enough, they stopped their unpleasant behavior. Do not suck up to people. Being pleasant is not sucking up to people. Don’t go full Truman.

Just initiate the goodness and see their reaction. If they couldn’t bother less, don’t bother again. If however they decide to give you shit, put them in place with no fighting and no biting. You can always smile and say: “Dude, what’s up with you? I’m not here to piss you off so take a chill pill” with a big smile and walk away. Just walk away.

As for the real haters.. those you KNOW hate you for a  valid (or not) reason; someone who holds such strong negative feelings towards you, you need to stop and think “What the fuck did I do to piss that dude/dudette off”?

That is the question you should really be asking. 🙂

Stop looking for more reasons to annoy someone when you’ve actually brought it upon yourself. You either work on fixing that if you really care for that person’s presence in your life or you just avoid them as much as possible. You want to consume yourself and time with hate? Go ahead. But know that you are probably the reason why that person hates you and they might have not been such a hater if you were more careful to begin with.

A simple misunderstanding might be a reason why someone hates you. One time, I came across a post about a famous celebrity dressed up ridiculously and made a tasteless comment thinking it was funny. To my surprise, a girl replied telling me that my comment was ridiculous and that I should be more careful. She was someone I knew and I didn’t understand why she just snapped at me until I realized that my comment was comparing her medical condition to that celebrity’s ridiculous fashion statement. Whether this girl pointed that out or not, I was plain rude when I used that analogy and there was no excuse. I did apologize to her but she wouldn’t accept my apology and it was her right. One lesson for me and I am thankful for that day. Nothing related to race, gender, sexual orientation, religious views or even disease is to be “joked” about.

Apologies are always a life saver. Put your pride aside and admit your mistake and wait. If they choose to accept it, be thankful and avoid being “best buddies” because they would still be skeptical and you will look like a major suck up. If they choose not to accept your apology, walk away without even trying to explain yourself further. Just apologize sincerely and let it be.

If you want to annoy your haters, start by being the least of their concerns and by avoiding to piss anyone off.

But if you really want to kill the haters, do all of that without even bothering yourself with those haters. You only create what you imagine. 🙂

For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.
Sun Tzu

DISCLAIMER: Please don’t do any of the pranks above because it is not cool and someone might punch you in the face.
7

How to: write a REAL restaurant review

Remember when your dining experience was not influenced by online posts written by a complete stranger stating how nice the restaurant is and how awesome the service was and fancy pictures of generous portions of food? Remember how you actually had to go there and try for yourself to judge their food as opposed to read endorsements by someone who might probably not share your likes and dislikes in food? Forget about that.

But.. but that blog said it rocked! 😦

Whenever I hear about a new restaurant in town, I kind of feel skeptical about going there and paying a big amount only to get disappointed. Again.

The food industry here has been blooming and every other day we hear about a new restaurant owned by a couple of young, enthusiastic people. Don’t get me wrong, I fully respect and support that as at least they are trying to achieve something at an early age and they deserve to be acknowledged for their efforts. What I don’t get are the reviews some bloggers write.

I recall once reading about this “awesome” new restaurant on many blogs. All I saw were pictures of food, a walk though and thanks to the manager and team. Some bloggers complained about the service which is what I consider the REAL DEAL. But in general, the reviews were almost 8 out of 10.

Me not being the famous person that I shouldn’t be, I decide to go there and give it a try taking note of the lazy waitress some complained about. I order, I wait forever, my food is shitty. The burger is stale, the buns are soggy, the fries are drenched in oil and my damn coke has no fizz. I pay a large amount for more than a lazy waitress and shitty food. Nothing like what I read online by people who are supposed to just like us.. only with an extra spotlight.

Who do I blame here? The blogger or the restaurant?

Let me tell you how this goes because I’ve been on both sides and I can surely encourage you to blame both.

Yes. How DARE you?!

See, I used to work at a famous restaurant and my job was to interact with some of those bloggers to get them to come and try the food and maybe give us a little shout out. Please do bear in mind that I am TOTALLY AGAINST this practice. See, when you’re “inviting” someone to come and “try” your new menu, you’re actually putting them under pressure. They can’t possibly say anything bad when you’ve obviously been “generous” enough to offer them free food and recognition of their status in the local market. To me, it’s using those bloggers and their readers to get more dine ins.

You might as well get a tattoo with the name of the restaurant…

You prepare your staff accordingly, discuss which menu items to force feed your bloggers and worst case, instruct your staff to prepare any “surprise” order with nothing less than perfection.

Put on that fake smile, lads! The bloggers are coming!

They show up, they are greeted warmly, given free access to whatever they want, handed out gifts or free dinner at their own convenience then they leave after it is made clear that they will write about their experience.

One of those events where bloggers were invited was a complete disaster. It was one big occasion and the management thought “why not invite those bloggers to come and enjoy their time and maybe write?”

It was a BAD idea. I, for one, realized the big disaster that was about to unfold when I walked into the place and saw over 300 people running around the place with a buffet less than the restaurant would want to present to stray dogs!

YOUR FOOD SUCKS.

The place was packed, the AC was dying, the drinks were being rushed through the bar and the food was nothing more than a pile of shit. The decoration? Hilarious. Not in a good way. The crew was dressed in ridiculous outfits. Ladies fidgeting in tight dresses with long slits bearing their legs and it was plain insulting to see them suffer with assholes giving remarks that would surely put them in jail for sexual harassment.

I stood there waiting for the bloggers wishing they would NEVER show up to see this carnival.

As the first blogger walked in, I could tell by the look on her face that my predictions were accurate. WE ARE SCREEEEEEEEEEWED.

She was absolutely terrified and she tried her best to conceal it but I could feel her. I tried to make it easy by shifting her to a comfortable, quiet table but it didn’t work. The lady just asked for some water, took a couple of pictures and disappeared. Another couple of bloggers walked in and I did the same. They didn’t seem to be bothered with what was going on as they directly asked for a specific table they’d reserved and they seemed to enjoy the night. The disastrous night passed and I truly wished it would never happen again.

I go online to see what was going on and it was exactly what I expected. The lady blogger was tweeting her shock to fellow bloggers, trying to give them the warning signal. “Do NOT come here” was obviously what she was trying to deliver nicely to the other bloggers.

I read her post about the event later on and she was nice enough to thank the management for the invitation. She posted a couple of pictures and asked her readers to pay the place a visit at their own convenience and that’s it! She tried to point out that it was a bit crowded but believe me, being there and witnessing what she had witnessed was not included in her post. (I’ll get back to this point later)

The other bloggers however came up to me before leaving and complained about the bad service, the bad atmosphere and the management actually asking them not to order food from the menu because “there is a buffet and you’re not allowed to eat here!”.

Needless to say, those bloggers wrote about their experience as they didn’t feel obliged to write anything less than true since they also payed for their food and beverages.

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!

I delivered that to the management and pointed out the incident but got no feedback.

What happened here was that the managers failed to recognize those bloggers and fell in the trap. They treated the bloggers like they would treat any other customer. 🙂

And we demand GOOD FOOD!

This is why I blame the restaurant’s management for the high expectations we as normal readers have when we walk through their doors and get treated nothing like the bloggers. They know they have to give topnotch food, service and quality to those bloggers to get more people to come and try but they fail to maintain that level of quality when a regular individual decides to walk in. I’ve even had close friends complaining about food and service telling me that they’d never come again and that the main reason they showed up was to say hi. I would flat out say: don’t come to say hi if you believe the place offers bad quality food or service. I don’t own it and if I had a say in all of this, I would be glad to help but I just don’t.

Keep begging, restaurants!

Why I blame bloggers? Well, let’s see. You were invited to an event which you KNEW you were supposed to write about. Does the fact that you were invited obligate you to be extra nice and not write your honest opinion? Only if I invited you to my place. And by place I mean HOME. If i were to invite you to my business, I expect you to treat it as it is: A BUSINESS.

As a blogger, you choose to be in charge of a tool that either educates people or leads them to their doom. This is in general, of course. Having a bad dining experience is not a life or death situation unless you get food poisoning. But how can you guarantee that not happening? When a restaurant decides to give you better treatment just because you have the power to shut down their business in one post -due to the fact that one bad post can tarnish their reputation-, you have to know that you are morally obliged to give your honest opinion regardless of the outcome. What they do to get you to write about their establishment is nothing but a marketing strategy and a way of turning your readers into their future diners. Whenever someone reads your blog and trusts your judgement but have a totally different experience, it’s both your neck and the restaurant’s at stake. I wouldn’t go back to the place for sure and I would also consider you as a blogger an accomplice for fake endorsements whether you mean it or not. I will not even discuss those bloggers who actually own restaurants or know the owners because any recommendation to me is regarded as a cheap attempt to fool the readers even if the restaurant is 10 out of 10. Let the readers go there and decide without you pushing them to it.

You might as well do it since you’re so inclined..

If I were that lady blogger, I would have at least wrote the following:

“I would first like to thank the management of (restaurant X) for inviting me to their (event X). However, I have the moral obligation to give my readers the truth about what happened that night with all due respect to the management as what I’ve experienced can’t be considered the level of service I would expect the restaurant to offer to its diners and my readers in specific.

This is what happened that night: the lovely lady walked us through the place which was obviously really packed. She tried her best to make us feel comfortable but she seemed to be in our same situation: complete shock. I totally understand that the occasion necessitates this but come on, people! Don’t you realize that the number of seats in the place cannot accommodate 300+ people?!

The waitresses looked ridiculous! I am sorry but this is not how you dress up a respectable employee. Some of those poor ladies were harassed and I can’t blame the assholes when the management failed to realize that they’re putting their employees in a ridiculous situation where they had to dress up like skanks while serving drinks and hors d’oeuvres smiling and ignoring those sexually abusive remarks and looks.

And what about the food? How can you possibly serve oriental food in an AMERICAN restaurant? The food was lousy, they spilled drinks all over the place and it was too damn hot!

The show was actually cool had they considered setting it up properly. I managed to snap a couple of pictures of this weird yet highly entertaining show and here they are.

Still better than the one they had..

If I would rate my experience that night, I would give it 1 out of 10 for the show. Make it  2 for the efforts of that lovely lady.

I would highly advise the management to reconsider future events as this is not what they want their customers to experience on any day. And pay for it! I was lucky enough to get an invitation and again, I thank you for that but for other people to pay for this is totally unacceptable!

Get your act straight!”

Say it, sister!

Now, this is how I would review a goddamn lousy restaurant.

What the blogger attempted to do was tiptoe around the whole situation, mentioning only the show and the fact that she was invited. She was trying to be courteous and decent and I salute her for that. But lady, this is a business. They pay money to get you to say whatever they want when they should be actually investing that money into giving out better quality of food and service and you are helping them by not saying the whole truth.

I also understand that some restaurants do not accept criticism very lightly (here’s an example). Some even threatened to take legal action against certain bloggers when they had their different say about the restaurant. I understand. Believe me, I wouldn’t want to go to jail for bashing my damn soggy burger but then, I wouldn’t accept invitations to begin with if that was the case.

Lately, I was asked by a friend of mine if I would review a restaurant. The first question I asked was “Are they paying for my visit?”. My friend said “No”. I was like “Cool, I’m in. But bear in mind that if I don’t like the food, they won’t like my review. I paid for it, it better be good.”

My friend hesitated as that would put him in trouble if my review was damn straight to the point. He knows I am always damn straight to the point. Needless to say, someone else did the review and I’m glad because I seriously don’t trust restaurants that revert to bloggers for publicity and I would technically be fishing for mistakes.

If I were to write a review, here’s how I would do it:

I take a shower, get dressed, gather my friends and hit the spot. I order my food, eat it, assess the whole situation and write about what I really think about the place, service and food. I wouldn’t need someone to send me an invitation to check out their place because I don’t need someone to drag me into their establishment while they could actually lure me in by authentic reviews and recommendations of REAL PEOPLE. People who do not get paid to write whatever they think is courteous enough rather than real.

You don’t have to be rude to write something real. You only have to know that your written words can actually be the reason why this crappy restaurant decided to invest more into pleasing its customers rather than just getting anyone to pay for shitty food and service and never walk in again. Your words, fellow more-famous bloggers, can be the reason to make things better or just add confetti to shit. It is still shit.

A golden turd! Nope, still passing.

Use your platform wisely. Be a responsible figure and please, write a real review and do not accept an invitation unless you are willing to write the truth, the whole truth and NOTHING but the truth.

Bon appetit!

Or not..