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Good friends

Bad friends

What are good friends?

Well, I’m definitely sure I’m not one. I’m an asshole of a friend. A self proclaimed asshole. I have admitted it many times and will keep admitting it to the world: yes, I am an asshole of a friend.

Am I reliable? Yes. You bet your ass.

Am I trustworthy? It depends on how you define “trust”. Will I steal your money? No. Your boyfriend? No. Your husband? Your crush? No and no. Will I take credit for your work? Hell no. Will I sell you out? Never. Let you down when you REALLY need my help? Hopefully not. But I’ll tell you when exactly am I not trustworthy: When you stab me in the back. I will talk about you and make sure everyone knows what an “untrustworthy” friend I am. Because YOU, are equally untrustworthy.

Here’s how you can tell if you do have good friends:

  • Good friends don’t lie to you.
  • Good friends don’t attempt to steal your man/girl.
  • Good friends don’t steal your crush and talk about you from behind your back to that crush twisting facts just to make themselves look better in front of them knowing that they’re hoes and nothing else would work but tarnishing your reputation with cheap dramatic stories about how you are standing in the way between both pathetic creatures.
  • Good friends don’t sell you out for guys. They just don’t.
  • Good friends don’t borrow money and never return it. Especially when they know you’re broke and probably preferred to share your money with them instead of watch them suffer alone.
  • Good friends don’t keep borrowing money AGAIN AND AGAIN even though they STILL owe you and you are being a “good friend” by not demanding your money back and putting up with their shit.
  • Good friends who borrow money repeatedly don’t act like fuckers when you finally decide you’ve put up way too much with their shit. They also don’t initiate douchebaggery and expect to get away with it.
  • Good friends know your secrets and keep them between you two. Good friends don’t run around telling your secrets to everyone else just to make people laugh and shit.
  • Good friends don’t tell your secrets to others in front of you and laugh at it!
  • Good friends don’t go through your stuff. Your very personal stuff. They also don’t steal any of your stuff while they’re at it. And they sure as hell don’t deny it when they get busted.
  • Good friends apologize when they make mistakes and they fucking mean it. They also don’t expect to get away with it the next time they repeat that same mistake.
  • Good friends don’t bully you in front of others and accuse you of being weak just to prove they’re badass.
  • Good friends don’t embarass you in front of your family and other friends and then get pissed when you NICELY ask them to tone it down for the sake of your friendship. They also realize that they can put you in trouble for all the wrong and stupid reasons which are mostly all about their ego and nothing else.
  • Good friends don’t put you in trouble with family and then act like they’re misunderstood.
  • Good friends don’t whine and bitch when their good friends are doing them good shit. Good friends accept the fact that you probably wasted half your monthly allowance on their sorry ass just to cheer them up. And they accept whatever it is that you offer even if it’s not up to their high fucked up expectations.
  • Good friends don’t turn their back on you and make you beg for their help just because “they want to have fun and won’t bother to cut their night of endless fun to help you out”.
  • Good friends don’t make you look like an idiot in front of others intentionally and expect you to sit there enjoying your night.
  • Good friends don’t abuse you and then get pissed if you ask them for space. Just some fucking space.
  • Good friends let you call them out on their bullshit and admit their mistakes or explain themselves nicely. Especially when they have been the ones inflicting harm.
  • Good friends don’t let you do bad shit, encourage you to do more bad shit and then claim that they have nothing to do with it when shit hits the fan.
  • Good friends don’t abuse you financially and treat you like you were born to be their slave/driver/doctor/anything.
  • Good guy friends are usually more manly than you are.
  • Good friends don’t turn their back on you at your darkest times, take it lightly and then expect you to be OK with it.
  • Good friends don’t ignore you after you’ve ignored them for not standing by your side and get pissed at you for that.
  • Good friends don’t eat from your food, sleep on your bed along with their sibling, abuse you financially and emotionally for more than 5 years and then turn their back on you.
  • Good friends don’t use you to gain friends, status and everything with it and turn their back on you.
  • Good friends don’t constantly point out what they believe are your flaws in front of other strangers instead of pointing them out to you and help you try to fix it.
  • Good friends don’t scam you. They don’t ask you to “be partners” in a small business just to avoid paying you a small sum of money in exchange of your expertise in something they find necessary to complete their project although you offered your services for free.. to a “good friend”.
  • Good friends don’t launch a business you’re partner in and never tell you only for you to discover that it has been running for more than 4 years..
  • Good friends don’t ask you for your help AGAIN and put you through a humiliating experience then ditch you after they discover it’s not worth it.. without consulting you.
  • Good friends don’t put you through humiliating experiences and stand there watching while knowing they’re the reason why you’re keeping quiet. Only for their fucking sake.
  • Good friends don’t treat you like an idiot. They don’t assume you don’t understand how they function already by asking you AGAIN to help them in yet another glorious business.
  • Good friends don’t steal your ideas and instantly turn them into a business.
  • Good friends don’t get offended when you point out that it was your idea and you’re not OK with turning it into a business without consulting you first!
  • Good friends don’t act like they’re fine but then try to humiliate you in front of total strangers because you called them out on their own shitty behavior.
  • Good friends don’t treat you like you’re cheap. They don’t get you something fake claiming that it’s original on your birthday just to show you that they did not forget your birthday after 10 years of friendship while a simple “sorry for being an ass of a friend” would do much better instead.
  • Good friends don’t forget your birthday! Especially after 10+ years.
  • Good friends aren’t cheap. Especially when they don’t spare their money on others sucking up to them. A good friend will treat you better than anyone else. Even if he/she does not want anything in return from you.
  • Good friends don’t promise and break their promises.
  • Good friends help you with all their might. Especially if they have all the resources and know all the right people.
  • Good friends don’t scam you AGAIN by selling you shit that is cheap as original.
  • Good friends don’t lie about shit that is cheap when they get caught.
  • Good friends don’t blame others for an obvious scam attempt from their side and promise to give you your money back.
  • Good friends don’t keep you waiting for months to get your money back.
  • Good friends don’t offer to give you your money back in different currency and “missing some” due to exchange rates.
  • Good friends don’t suddenly travel with your money knowing that you’ve been broke and off the job for months waiting for YOUR MONEY to be returned so you can manage shit.
  • Good friends don’t suddenly appear and call you a “bad friend” because you couldn’t put up with their shit and haven’t said “Happy fucking birthday, shit bag!”.
  • Good friends give you credit for anything you do but never take credit for it no matter how good it will make them look. They are not self centered bastard motherfuckers.
  • Good friends don’t treat their friends like they’re competition. Or in a competition with other friends to be their “bestest friend”.
  • Good friends don’t treat you like you’re stupid.

After stating all of the above, you need to know that abuse is not only limited to relationships between lovers. Friends can be more abusive than a spouse or a lover. Especially when you open your home and heart to those who truly don’t deserve it. I am a self proclaimed asshole because I would rather not have a “good friend” again. Distance keeps people on the good side and the pain of not having someone to truly open your heart to as a friend is much less than the pain of constant stabs of good friends. Don’t get me wrong.. I do have some awesome friends but the whole “good friend” shit ruined things for me. I just can’t allow that to happen again on any scale. I can’t say if I’m happy or not but at least I won’t have to worry about real good people gone “good friends”.

For now,  I am not faking shit by claiming I am a good friend. I am an asshole and that’s about as real as everyone else in life. So here’s to good friends:

middle finger

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1

How to: annoy people you hate

cats-hate-you-and-everyone-else

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on how to annoy people that hate you. I still get traffic from people asking for a quick fix to their hater problems but sometimes I get this question instead: How to annoy people you hate.

Oh boy! Let’s do this! 😀

mwahahahahaaa!

How to annoy people you hate:

Growing up as a tom boy, I had a lot of issues with people around. I grew up in a family club surrounded by all sorts of kids from all sorts of backgrounds. You would imagine that going through high school is the toughest thing a teenager can go through but believe me: nothing beats a family club where even the parents of those teens pitch in to give you a lesson while they clearly need help for having ill behaved kids. I used to have a couple of good friends who preferred to be on the quiet side of “the party” just like myself and kept things low profile. I used to wear the weirdest shit and have the weirdest haircuts. Either listening to my walkman/discman (RIP/RIP) or trying to drop a ball through the hoops of our basketball court. I never thought I fit in with those “Didi” dancing girls in their skimpy outfits. I’d stand there and watch the 5 chicks dance to that shit with their moms standing there all proud of their little girls representing the darkest tragedy of humanity: teenagers and hormones. And while they used to relate to booty shakin’, I used to relate to the likes of Alanis Morissette, BjorkMissy ElliotShaquille O’Neal, 2Pac and many more. I used to dress like that as well (forgive me, God!). I wrote all about that shit in my previous post if you’d care to read some extra nonsense.

Well, I did hate a lot of people. And it was not out of jealousy.. well maybe a little bit.. but, for most of them, I used to be bullied by a lot for being different. Dressing up like a boy when most girls were doing their fancy dancing and competing to become the next Alpha Female in a small community had its price. The girls were usually in groups picking their boyfriends and marking their territories while the boys just played basketball and hung around the court with some of those cool chicks. I was always with the boys trying to compete. Who would score more hoops and get the Chicago Bulls jersey first. I used to hate it when the jerseys looked better on the guys because they had less curves 😦 but it was all good when we sat there and had our rap battles. Some guys never appreciated the fact that a female can sometimes do male stuff and they also used to give me a hard time.

I managed to find a few good female friends who were not that judgmental and they made things a lot easier. They all went to mixed schools and that’s why they were probably less susceptible to the common bullshit those other kids believed. They were loud, crazy and outspoken. They had their own character and no one could bully them and get away with it. They taught me how to have a backbone and stand up for myself.

I used to pick a lot of fights with those I hated. I would pass by giving them dirty looks and sometimes instigate fights just to give them a piece of my mind. But most of the time, I avoided being around them because that would only remind me of all the bullying. Not to mention, cause more bullying. I also learned to stand up for others and I became known for being the female vigilante of the bullied kids. I would be sitting there singing alone in a corner and a kid runs up to me telling me that this asshole picked on them and they want me to kick their ass. No problem!

Yo. Say that again?!

Yo. Say that again?!

The longer I stayed away, the better I felt about myself. See, when you allow hate to consume you, it effects you in a way. You start hating yourself for being different. Then for not being able to make these people understand who you really are. You become aggressive and defensive. You become paranoid and expect everyone to pick on you. You stop enjoying who you are while allowing others to pick on you. You don’t want to change yourself yet you hate yourself. So when you hate someone, you don’t hate them for what they are, you hate them for what you think they think you are. You’re consuming yourself with their thoughts and opinions about you rather than enjoying yourself and celebrating your independence from the norms of society and what it dictates. I failed to hold on and I started dressing up like a “female”. Managed to put on some eyeliner and tone it down with the boy stuff. The minute I decided to follow the herd, I got accepted. Some of those people I hated so much managed to accept me as well. It felt weird, to be honest. That same guy that gave you shit is now calling you “pretty” and saying hi to you. Was it really that important for people to see me as what society thought was normal to be accepted and welcome among them?

I stopped doing the things I wanted and started doing the things THEY wanted. And I am going to tell you that at times it was worth it but most of the time, totally not.

Before the transformation, the more I enjoyed what I did, the less those people meant to me. I would even walk by and hear their nasty comments and continue without giving them any attention. After the transformation, I automatically craved their acceptance and felt bad the minute they stopped showing me that I fit in. Hate consumed me and changed me into being someone that I was not. I used to enjoy doing all sorts of things but I stopped. I used to sing and play basketball, try rollerskating and fail miserably and publicly as well, I used to not give a fuck about anything or anyone and I was happy until hate took over.

I regret letting hate take over because it made me compromise a lot for people who meant nothing to me. People that I was better off ignoring than trying to please. Hate lets you become what you actually hate. You want to annoy people you hate? Start by loving yourself and accepting that no one is the same, no one will ever be like anyone else and those you hate for any kind of reason might be having a worse day than you. And most importantly: you will never please everyone.

People who bully others wouldn’t need to do that unless they have deep issues. If you find yourself giving someone a hard time, think about why you are doing so. Hating a bully is only natural but craving their acceptance is not. Letting your hate turn you into a bully is not. Letting your hate change you into something else to stop the bullying is not. You want to annoy people you hate? Go up to them and tell them off.

After realizing what I’ve become and how unhappy I was, I did that. I couldn’t manage to go back to my old self but I managed to stay a “boy” at heart. I love the fact that I’m a female and love all sorts of sparkly and colorful shit but I also love the fact that I don’t necessarily have to fit in the normal definition of a female to be welcome by our lovely society. The problem is society taught us that a female shouldn’t be outspoken and shouldn’t attempt to be near anything that ruins her image as a female. Dressing up like a boy deems you less feminine. Hanging out with boys deems you a slut or at least craving their attention if not less feminine. Swearing deems you inappropriate and vulgar while boys can swear at any given time for any given reason! Why? I choose to express myself that way. As long as I am not abusing that right and insulting someone personally, I don’t think you have the right to judge me for using foul language. I don’t think you have the right to judge any female for doing anything a male can do anytime and get away with. I am a man who looks like a woman. I do whatever I want as long as I believe that it is not shameful or harmful and I don’t give a fuck.

How to annoy people you hate? Start by understanding why you hate them and you will be surprised to know that hate is just an imaginary feeling that covers tons of personal issues. Love yourself the most and you will not find a reason to hate to begin with. And if you have legitimate reasons to hate someone, tell them why you hate them and get it over with. You don’t need to fix things, just let it out of your system and move on. That would at least make you feel better and give them a thing to think about while you do that. If you’ve been bullied by someone, just go up to them and say: “I don’t know why you’re doing this but if you have a valid reason for being an asshole, let me know so that we can work on it and stop this shit forever.” they will probably not take you seriously but you will walk away the bigger person since you chose to confront them and give them a piece of your mind. And forget about them while you’re at it. Once you say that shit, forget they ever existed.

I used to have a bully who turned out to be one of my closest friends. I loved how she didn’t give a fuck about anyone but she would sometimes be so mean to me. One day, I went on a trip and got everyone a gift. She refused to take my gift and left me painfully wondering what I did to deserve this harsh treatment. I went up to her and told her that I didn’t understand why she had to be an asshole to me when I was just being nice and offering her a souvenir from my latest trip. She ended up apologizing and told me that she’s sorry for being an asshole and that she really appreciated it and she even began treating me much better. I knew she had issues with people and that she doesn’t trust anyone which causes her to be a bully sometimes. I understood that even before getting her that gift and I managed to deal with her with caution during our first couple of years. I hated her at times but respected her most of the time. And telling her off changed everything. She’s not into bullying now but she’s still very direct and sometimes harsh with people. And she’s one of the few people who managed to be by my side during the worst times.

How to annoy people you hate? Start by loving yourself and being true to yourself. That is more than enough to annoy anyone you hate since you won’t give them any reasons to make you hate them even more. People you hate are people you couldn’t please at the first place. They made you hate them for some kind of reason and it’s mostly because you’re not like them or at least not what they consider “OK”. On any scale. Work on pleasing them less and hating them less but most importantly, work on loving yourself more and that is more than enough to annoy anyone who doesn’t approve of your ways. I’m not claiming that I’m perfect and that occasionally I don’t hate people for any sort of reason. I still sometimes find myself hating someone just a little bit. But I do my best to turn that hate into loving myself even more. And I avoid annoying them for those same reasons. Hating someone won’t help you. If they’ve managed to inflict physical or emotional harm on you, you have a point. But instead of hating them, love yourself for being strong enough to go through the pain without turning into one of them. You’re strong enough to do that and consider them less fortunate for having to hurt someone to be pleased with themselves. Stop the hate. 🙂

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How to: annoy people that hate you

This is one important question. Someone was searching for an answer on Google when their query unfortunately lead them to one of my totally unrelated-to-the-subject posts. Given that I am an awesome and helpful person ( 😛 ), I decided to write a post to that poor stranger who is probably having a difficult time dealing with the haters and wants vengeance. Dearest visitor: this post is for YOU. 😀

How to annoy people that hate you

See I’ll tell you a few things you can do to piss people off that will surely work like a charm.. (or not in their case!)

If those people are relatives, frenemies or possibly your sibling’s annoying friend coming to visit; do any or all of the following:

  • Prepare them a strawberry milkshake with a dash of ketchup.
  • Spit in a glass of water, fill an ice tray with that water and use it to make that milkshake.
  • Tell them that you spit in a glass of water, filled an ice try with that water and that they’re drinking your crushed ice spit 😀

mmmmmm.. crushed saliva ketchup shake!

  • Take compromising photos of them. You can always set up a camera in the bathroom and make use of the footage later. You can also stalk them and secretly snap a pic of them hogging a hot dog and Photoshop it for your convenience.. (remember, you have to prepare that dinner to make sure you get that pic!)
  • BONUS: put a whole lot of chili sauce on that wiener! and don’t forget to spit! Needless to say, rub it in their face by letting them know what you did! Or just watch and enjoy while they suffer.

We know you hate us, Obama! TAKE THAT!

  •  Piss in their lemonade.. always works.
  • Borrow their cellphones and place long distance calls or even better: several prank calls (they’ll get arrested if you’re luck enough!).

Their bill should look a little something like that when you’re done..!

  • If you have a pet, make sure to gather some of their poo in a plastic bag, manage to slip it in their bag with the plastic bag open (works for the ladies only)
  • As for the gents, make sure you put that turn on their favorite seat or just lure them into that spot! (WARNING: you might have to clean the mess afterwards!) (works even better with the ladies!)

As for those nasty colleagues or school mates; use all the above tricks as well as tampering with their food, lockers, desks, or anything they use on a daily basis.

This should work..

And everyone will live happily ever after..

Or not..

Let’s drop the bullshit and talk real shit here.

How long will you want to annoy your haters? How much are you willing to push yourself to pull sleazy 6th grade tricks on people you who give you a hard time or just don’t necessarily like you that much?

First of all, let’s define hate. According to Merriam-Webster hate is:

  • Intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
  • Extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing <had a great hate of hard work>

So now we know those facts: they’re hostile, they dislike you and you probably deserve it.

B*tches gonna hate!

Being a female, I understand how jealousy can be a #1 reason why you have female haters. I get it, really. You walk into a place full of females and they give you “the look”.

You say hi to your colleague whom you’ve just come across and his woman is ready to punch you in the face!

Or you bump into someone wearing the same outfit!

With us girls, the reasons are infinite and can range between similar fashion choices or having a man to plain and simple jealousy over nothing, really. You just have to deal with it. With some females, you’re always on the “HATE” list until further notice.

Sup, brah!?

With men, I don’t think I’ve ever faced any issues. Weird but noteworthy. However, you can have a couple of haters when you publicly shame a guy for doing something wrong. Another thing you need to realize is that guys who bully girls can actually be hiding a secret crush. Most of us have been programmed to believe such a painful yet somewhat true fact. Needless to say, it shouldn’t be acceptable, don’t teach it to your kids, don’t justify bullying by saying that and never fall for a douchebag who bullies you into any relationship. EVER. Just put that in mind.

So how do you really deal with “haters” aside from all the 6th grade nonsense I wrote above?

First, you have got to understand that the way you conduct yourself around some people might trigger negative feedback. I, for one know that. I am usually told that I have one of the most intimidating body signals on earth. I realize that I usually give death glares without even noticing because of the fact that I am always ready to attack when needed. It’s a defense mechanism, maybe. But not an intentional one. I walk in steady steps and with my piercings, I do get it when people are actually intimidated. Anyone would automatically assume I am trouble. But the fact is, it only takes a grin or a kind gesture to ease things up and those who would have probably acted according to how they felt towards me will become nice and mellow.

As for females with their men, always avoid looking. I know this is ridiculous to say but why the hell are you looking at a couple to begin with?! Unless you think they’re cute and you convey that message, don’t even think about it. Females don’t appreciate competition and you -lady- know it! Actually no one likes competition so whether you’re a male or a female: DO NOT STARE AT A COUPLE. Period.

I always make sure that whenever I meet someone’s girl, I give her some attention first and more attention during the conversation. I know men are generally more respectful towards their buddies’ females but I am definite that most girl do not share the same mentality. I never had issues with any of my friends’ ladies and that is due to the fact that they felt safe. Put yourself in her shoes. When you first meet your man’s girl friend, you might have some suspicions especially if they are close friends. You wonder “did they have anything between them? why are they friends? what do they do when they meet?” and such thoughts. It is understandable. You might even feel a bit jealous that your man is sharing his time with another females. For me to just ignore the nature of some females and just assume that she will understand the nature of our relationship is just another reason for her to get worried and possibly unlike me and cause me to lose a friendship. By giving her attention, I am making a new friend and sparing her the agony of doubts and suspicions. I am also doing him a favor. However, you must also know that when you are introduced to the lady, you have to deal with them both as one entity unless she or he decides otherwise and they are both comfortable with that.

With colleagues and school mates, I know it would be more challenging to just “suck it up” and be extra nice to everyone. But being pleasant in general is one key to turning those haters into friends.. or just good acquaintances. I don’t mind opening a couple of doors or lending a couple of pens. Smiling and greeting at times. Nothing more than common courtesy and being plain pleasant. I’ve had some of the most grouchy people smile back by just being nice and I’ve known people who just wondered why the hell are those people nice to me but not anyone else. You force them into being nice by being nice.

Unfortunately, that rule does not apply to all people. Sometimes, I wanted to punch those fuckers for being totally rude but I just refrained from being nice and surprisingly enough, they stopped their unpleasant behavior. Do not suck up to people. Being pleasant is not sucking up to people. Don’t go full Truman.

Just initiate the goodness and see their reaction. If they couldn’t bother less, don’t bother again. If however they decide to give you shit, put them in place with no fighting and no biting. You can always smile and say: “Dude, what’s up with you? I’m not here to piss you off so take a chill pill” with a big smile and walk away. Just walk away.

As for the real haters.. those you KNOW hate you for a  valid (or not) reason; someone who holds such strong negative feelings towards you, you need to stop and think “What the fuck did I do to piss that dude/dudette off”?

That is the question you should really be asking. 🙂

Stop looking for more reasons to annoy someone when you’ve actually brought it upon yourself. You either work on fixing that if you really care for that person’s presence in your life or you just avoid them as much as possible. You want to consume yourself and time with hate? Go ahead. But know that you are probably the reason why that person hates you and they might have not been such a hater if you were more careful to begin with.

A simple misunderstanding might be a reason why someone hates you. One time, I came across a post about a famous celebrity dressed up ridiculously and made a tasteless comment thinking it was funny. To my surprise, a girl replied telling me that my comment was ridiculous and that I should be more careful. She was someone I knew and I didn’t understand why she just snapped at me until I realized that my comment was comparing her medical condition to that celebrity’s ridiculous fashion statement. Whether this girl pointed that out or not, I was plain rude when I used that analogy and there was no excuse. I did apologize to her but she wouldn’t accept my apology and it was her right. One lesson for me and I am thankful for that day. Nothing related to race, gender, sexual orientation, religious views or even disease is to be “joked” about.

Apologies are always a life saver. Put your pride aside and admit your mistake and wait. If they choose to accept it, be thankful and avoid being “best buddies” because they would still be skeptical and you will look like a major suck up. If they choose not to accept your apology, walk away without even trying to explain yourself further. Just apologize sincerely and let it be.

If you want to annoy your haters, start by being the least of their concerns and by avoiding to piss anyone off.

But if you really want to kill the haters, do all of that without even bothering yourself with those haters. You only create what you imagine. 🙂

For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.
Sun Tzu

DISCLAIMER: Please don’t do any of the pranks above because it is not cool and someone might punch you in the face.