Good friends

Bad friends

What are good friends?

Well, I’m definitely sure I’m not one. I’m an asshole of a friend. A self proclaimed asshole. I have admitted it many times and will keep admitting it to the world: yes, I am an asshole of a friend.

Am I reliable? Yes. You bet your ass.

Am I trustworthy? It depends on how you define “trust”. Will I steal your money? No. Your boyfriend? No. Your husband? Your crush? No and no. Will I take credit for your work? Hell no. Will I sell you out? Never. Let you down when you REALLY need my help? Hopefully not. But I’ll tell you when exactly am I not trustworthy: When you stab me in the back. I will talk about you and make sure everyone knows what an “untrustworthy” friend I am. Because YOU, are equally untrustworthy.

Here’s how you can tell if you do have good friends:

  • Good friends don’t lie to you.
  • Good friends don’t attempt to steal your man/girl.
  • Good friends don’t steal your crush and talk about you from behind your back to that crush twisting facts just to make themselves look better in front of them knowing that they’re hoes and nothing else would work but tarnishing your reputation with cheap dramatic stories about how you are standing in the way between both pathetic creatures.
  • Good friends don’t sell you out for guys. They just don’t.
  • Good friends don’t borrow money and never return it. Especially when they know you’re broke and probably preferred to share your money with them instead of watch them suffer alone.
  • Good friends don’t keep borrowing money AGAIN AND AGAIN even though they STILL owe you and you are being a “good friend” by not demanding your money back and putting up with their shit.
  • Good friends who borrow money repeatedly don’t act like fuckers when you finally decide you’ve put up way too much with their shit. They also don’t initiate douchebaggery and expect to get away with it.
  • Good friends know your secrets and keep them between you two. Good friends don’t run around telling your secrets to everyone else just to make people laugh and shit.
  • Good friends don’t tell your secrets to others in front of you and laugh at it!
  • Good friends don’t go through your stuff. Your very personal stuff. They also don’t steal any of your stuff while they’re at it. And they sure as hell don’t deny it when they get busted.
  • Good friends apologize when they make mistakes and they fucking mean it. They also don’t expect to get away with it the next time they repeat that same mistake.
  • Good friends don’t bully you in front of others and accuse you of being weak just to prove they’re badass.
  • Good friends don’t embarass you in front of your family and other friends and then get pissed when you NICELY ask them to tone it down for the sake of your friendship. They also realize that they can put you in trouble for all the wrong and stupid reasons which are mostly all about their ego and nothing else.
  • Good friends don’t put you in trouble with family and then act like they’re misunderstood.
  • Good friends don’t whine and bitch when their good friends are doing them good shit. Good friends accept the fact that you probably wasted half your monthly allowance on their sorry ass just to cheer them up. And they accept whatever it is that you offer even if it’s not up to their high fucked up expectations.
  • Good friends don’t turn their back on you and make you beg for their help just because “they want to have fun and won’t bother to cut their night of endless fun to help you out”.
  • Good friends don’t make you look like an idiot in front of others intentionally and expect you to sit there enjoying your night.
  • Good friends don’t abuse you and then get pissed if you ask them for space. Just some fucking space.
  • Good friends let you call them out on their bullshit and admit their mistakes or explain themselves nicely. Especially when they have been the ones inflicting harm.
  • Good friends don’t let you do bad shit, encourage you to do more bad shit and then claim that they have nothing to do with it when shit hits the fan.
  • Good friends don’t abuse you financially and treat you like you were born to be their slave/driver/doctor/anything.
  • Good guy friends are usually more manly than you are.
  • Good friends don’t turn their back on you at your darkest times, take it lightly and then expect you to be OK with it.
  • Good friends don’t ignore you after you’ve ignored them for not standing by your side and get pissed at you for that.
  • Good friends don’t eat from your food, sleep on your bed along with their sibling, abuse you financially and emotionally for more than 5 years and then turn their back on you.
  • Good friends don’t use you to gain friends, status and everything with it and turn their back on you.
  • Good friends don’t constantly point out what they believe are your flaws in front of other strangers instead of pointing them out to you and help you try to fix it.
  • Good friends don’t scam you. They don’t ask you to “be partners” in a small business just to avoid paying you a small sum of money in exchange of your expertise in something they find necessary to complete their project although you offered your services for free.. to a “good friend”.
  • Good friends don’t launch a business you’re partner in and never tell you only for you to discover that it has been running for more than 4 years..
  • Good friends don’t ask you for your help AGAIN and put you through a humiliating experience then ditch you after they discover it’s not worth it.. without consulting you.
  • Good friends don’t put you through humiliating experiences and stand there watching while knowing they’re the reason why you’re keeping quiet. Only for their fucking sake.
  • Good friends don’t treat you like an idiot. They don’t assume you don’t understand how they function already by asking you AGAIN to help them in yet another glorious business.
  • Good friends don’t steal your ideas and instantly turn them into a business.
  • Good friends don’t get offended when you point out that it was your idea and you’re not OK with turning it into a business without consulting you first!
  • Good friends don’t act like they’re fine but then try to humiliate you in front of total strangers because you called them out on their own shitty behavior.
  • Good friends don’t treat you like you’re cheap. They don’t get you something fake claiming that it’s original on your birthday just to show you that they did not forget your birthday after 10 years of friendship while a simple “sorry for being an ass of a friend” would do much better instead.
  • Good friends don’t forget your birthday! Especially after 10+ years.
  • Good friends aren’t cheap. Especially when they don’t spare their money on others sucking up to them. A good friend will treat you better than anyone else. Even if he/she does not want anything in return from you.
  • Good friends don’t promise and break their promises.
  • Good friends help you with all their might. Especially if they have all the resources and know all the right people.
  • Good friends don’t scam you AGAIN by selling you shit that is cheap as original.
  • Good friends don’t lie about shit that is cheap when they get caught.
  • Good friends don’t blame others for an obvious scam attempt from their side and promise to give you your money back.
  • Good friends don’t keep you waiting for months to get your money back.
  • Good friends don’t offer to give you your money back in different currency and “missing some” due to exchange rates.
  • Good friends don’t suddenly travel with your money knowing that you’ve been broke and off the job for months waiting for YOUR MONEY to be returned so you can manage shit.
  • Good friends don’t suddenly appear and call you a “bad friend” because you couldn’t put up with their shit and haven’t said “Happy fucking birthday, shit bag!”.
  • Good friends give you credit for anything you do but never take credit for it no matter how good it will make them look. They are not self centered bastard motherfuckers.
  • Good friends don’t treat their friends like they’re competition. Or in a competition with other friends to be their “bestest friend”.
  • Good friends don’t treat you like you’re stupid.

After stating all of the above, you need to know that abuse is not only limited to relationships between lovers. Friends can be more abusive than a spouse or a lover. Especially when you open your home and heart to those who truly don’t deserve it. I am a self proclaimed asshole because I would rather not have a “good friend” again. Distance keeps people on the good side and the pain of not having someone to truly open your heart to as a friend is much less than the pain of constant stabs of good friends. Don’t get me wrong.. I do have some awesome friends but the whole “good friend” shit ruined things for me. I just can’t allow that to happen again on any scale. I can’t say if I’m happy or not but at least I won’t have to worry about real good people gone “good friends”.

For now,  I am not faking shit by claiming I am a good friend. I am an asshole and that’s about as real as everyone else in life. So here’s to good friends:

middle finger